Flight attendant jokes have been around as long as the job itself and while many are original to the airline industry, some have been manipulated to fit the industry.
This page is a growing selection as the jokes come in and if you would like to contribute please do so. Simply send me your joke via my ‘Contact me Page’ and if it’s an original that is of good intent I will publish your joke on this page.
PS: I reserve the right to not publish if it is offensive in any way.
So let’s kick this selection of flight attendant jokes off with an oldie but a goodie:
A commercial aircraft was pushing back from the gate and as the head flight attendant gave the passengers the usual safety demo information regarding seat belts and drop down oxygen etc, she concluded with: "Now please sit back and enjoy your flight. Captain Tracy Winger will talk to you soon after take-off and give you further flight details”.
Barry sitting in the 13th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I’d better have myself a strong Bourbon”!
When the flight attendant came down the aisle with the bar cart, he said, "Did I hear you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the flight attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"Oh my lord," said Barry, "I'd better have two Bourbons. I don't know what to think, women in charge here and in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the Flight Attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
Gay Flight Attendant jokes
On this particular day one of the crew ‘Gavin’ was obviously gay, (as in not happy but gay) and he was having a right old time obviously enjoying himself.
He was more camp than a row of tents and came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Darling, Captain Marvey has asked me to announce to all you wonderful people that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could be absolute darlings and just pop your trays up that would be absolutely super duper."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines said Gavee. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat this big brute and you onto the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "Listen sweetheart, n my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which Gavee the swanning flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
Some flight attendant jokes are short, sharp and shinny
It was mealtime on a flight from outback Townsville to outback Barcalda and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked?
"Yes or No," she replied!
More Flight Attendant jokes
Technology has come so far now days that the new modern aircraft are fully automatic. I was on this flight the other day and being a nervous flyer at the best of times was very happy to hear the wheels come up after take-off and hear the smooth whirring of the engines.
Then came the soothing and reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested automated system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ...!"
Taxiing toward the take-off point, the jet aircraft came to a stop, waited for a bit, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally made way for departure again.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem mate?"
Ahhhh nothing to be worried about said the Flight Attendant. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," and it just took us a while to find us a new pilot."
Getting on a plane, the man told the ticket lady, "Please send one of my bags to Sydney and the other one to Brisbane"
She said, "We can't do that I’m sorry!"
He replied, "Of course you can, you did it last week!"
Airlines Acronyms Explained
Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Ever Leave The Airport
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful
TWA: Try With Another
A beautiful female flight attendant was the departure gate to check the tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand in anticipation to take the ticket when he opened his trench coat and flashed her. As quick as a flash and without missing a beat ...
she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
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